Fragments of the Day
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: Snapshots following Todd's life from just after Keating's departure to his own death. Grief, love and lots of Seizing the Day! Drabble form, canon, non-slash and with appearances from the other Dead Poets.
1. Chapter 1: Loneliness

**I am an official Dead Poets Society addict. (I don't know if there's a club for them but if there is I'm one of the top members).**

**I watched the film a couple of years ago with my family and then again recently at school and both times I have fallen in love with Neil and Todd's beautiful friendship and how amazing the two of them are – Todd especially (Neil's great too, I liked him better at first but he committed suicide and **_**left**_** Todd and Keating and everyone which was very inconsiderate, so Todd wins with his adorable shyness and secret strength).**

**Anyhow, I'm sure I can't be the only one who couldn't stop thinking about poor Todd trapped in Hell-ton and his empty room all by himself after Neil...went away (yes a part of me is still in denial, but my head tries to be a happy place) and basically how he got on with the rest of his life without his encourager at his side, so that was how this fic was born. If you have made it this far, read on!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned the Dead Poets Society – Neil wouldn't have died, Keating wouldn't have been fired, none of the deleted scenes would have been deleted, Todd would have throw his desk set **_**at **_**his parents and did I mention Neil wouldn't have died?**

_X-X_

_Loneliness_

The room is bare. Empty.

Todd sits, propped up against his head board and stares hazily at Neil's side of the room through tears that he _will not _let fall. He hadn't thought he could hate Hell-ton more than he did before, but he'd been wrong.

Before it was the sparse exterior he loathed; now it's just the _silence _of the place. Todd would tear out every piece of furniture in the whole school if_ He_ could come back and fill the building to the brim with the laughter and passion and warmth and spirit that had soaked into every stone.

Now it's all gone _/And never coming back/ _the loss is so keen that Todd can physically _feel _the ache throbbing in his gut around about the place he used to experience excitement and joy and all those other emotions that have faded away since then.

Instead now all he has is guilt and pain and anger: guilt he should have done more, pain that he's gone and anger at the school, at Mr Perry, at Nolan. On rare moments when there's a spare space in his mind, a fraction of Todd is even angry at _Neil_: Couldn't he have waited, biding his time? Faced his father? Above all of that is the betrayal, how could Neil – so full of life, who had so much to live for – give up like that, leave Todd like that?

After all how was he meant to manage now? Soldier through every day; endure lessons and exams and gruelling sports without him? How can Todd wake up every day in this empty room without wanting to tear out of Hellton and run and run until he too keels over and takes the only escape left? Didn't Neil realise what he had done to him, to Keating, to all of them?

But when Todd's mind wanders too far down that path the guilt sets in /_I should have done more. Given more/ _and the cycle begins again.

But even so, through all these recent weeks of mind numbing pain and loneliness the question remains: If he could barely manage with Neil to pull him through, what would the battle be like alone?

His roaming eyes fall on Neil's desk in the early morning light and his gaze narrows imperceptibly: there's something there that hadn't been there the night before. Grateful for any distraction Todd throws back the covers and stumbles over to investigate.

It's only an old photo – Todd can remember when it was taken: photos of Hellton were being organized for the school Annual and Cameron (attempting to 'assist') had insisted that all the Dead Poet's (old and new) posed in front of the lake, while he oversaw the process.

He – _Neil's _there of course, front and centre but Todd can see the firm grip slung around his own shoulders forcing him to be seen.

Todd sniffs quietly and turns to fumble deep in the bottom draw of his own desk. He pulls out a picture of his own family, rips carelessly it from its frame and replaces it with the photo of the Dead Poet's.

There's a narrow strip left at the bottom of the card and he stares at it for a moment – hesitating – then grabs a pen and scrawls two words in the gap.

The tears have escaped now – he can taste their bitter poison in his mouth but he ignores them and hangs the frame above Neil's empty bed.

Maybe there will be a way through the battle.

X-X

**This obviously takes place a short time after Neil's death – the photo of Todd's family is seen in one of the deleted scenes when Todd and Neil are unpacking in their room. It's really sad, the rest of his family are all together with Jeffrey in the middle of their parents while Todd's on the edge. (I mean no wonder he lacks confidence!) **


	2. Chapter 2: Hope

_Hoping _

He stands alongside Knox and Meek and Pitts in the warm air as they beam wearily at the flashing bulb's and hold their certificates up for yet another round of clapping.

Nolan drones on as usual but Todd finds comfort in the fact that this is the last, _last _time he will ever have to listen to the recitation of the four pillars.

He's not Valedictorian (that honour goes to Meeks though Todd is proud he helped write the speech – not that his parents will know or care). He's not a National Merit Scholar. He's not a future Harvard, Yale or even Ivy League student. He's not – by Hell-ton's standards – bound for greatness or success in any way.

But as Todd gazes across the lake, the golden horizon beyond glimmers with undiscovered hope and he knows he truly doesn't care.

Because what he _is _– is free.

X-X


	3. Chapter 3: Learning

_Learning_

His years at college are full of books and writing and ideas and dreams.

For the first time Todd finds he is doing something he _loves, _that burns within him every moment of the day. It's as if all those years of bottled emotions, when his throat and tongue were choked into silence have been unchained just for now so he can channel them through his ever dancing pen.

His parents aren't happy with his English Major _/Why can't you do something useful Todd? Are you trying to prove to us how incompetent you are? No need son, we already knew. / _But they've ignored him for too long and cared too little by now, that to give up on him completely was an easy step. He is the official 'Anderson Failure' to all.

So they revolve around Jeffrey, planets around the sun – as their golden Apollo climbs his way up to even more renown than even Nolan predicated.

However Todd finds on the rare moments he's home to listen to their ravings about Jeffrey – that the words no longer ignite a wave of longing and jealously in his chest.

Because he remembers another father who was so sure and proud of his son's achievements, blind to all else and Todd thinks that actually not being seen is an incredible gift to someone learning to see themselves.

X-X


	4. Chapter 4: Exploring

**Fragments of the Day – Chapter Four**

_Exploring_

Life doesn't always match up to what you want it to be – Todd knows that better than he'd like. It brings pain and disappointment and at one point more loss than he thought he could bear. But that doesn't mean it can't be breath-taking and awe-striking and many other – ing words at the same time.

Part of him still wishes _he _was here, so they could share this journey together – but Todd's grown used to living for both of them now and that's enough to keep him going.

So he roams across the globe alone – England one month, Libya the next and onto New Zealand. He meets up with the Dead Poets and other friends along the way but never pauses to stop, not for a moment. There's too much to see.

He recalls Keating promising poetry could be found everywhere in the world and nothing he's seen (or not seen) contradicts that. Mountains and rivers and cities and deserts and lakes and ruins weave together to form a glowing tapestry that embeds itself forever into his mind.

And when he finally returns his ever widened horizons are treasured safely in the bulging notebook.

Just in case one day he starts to forget.

X-X


	5. Chapter 5: Wooing

**Fragments of the Day – Chapter Five**

_Wooing_

The house is a small cottage nestled at the end of a quiet lane, surrounded by clusters of rosemary and honeysuckle. As Todd hand's hovers nervously over the door knocker he finds himself absorbed in the familiar, sweet smelling cloud begetting of comfort and love.

Intimidation has never been something he's associated with this place. From the moment they met this family has been his refuge and rock amongst the scalding fire of his own parents.

She'sbeen in the solid background of his life since Hellton and the day he'd stood – tears pooling down white cheeks – outside Neil's house.

The Perry's had ignored him of course, knew him as one of the dark influences that had twisted their son into 'madness'. It had been the concerned neighbours – watching from across the road – who had come out, laid a warm blanket over his shoulders and led him into their welcoming living room.

They'd recognised him from the funeral and understood why he came. Understood more than anyone save for the other Poets.

Because they'd loved Neil too,_ she'd_ revered him as an older brother and he'd been more at home in their house than his own, though that was lost (as so much was) when he'd been sentenced to Hellton.

Their relationship had started with that – their shared memories of Neil – but before long Todd had come back not to return to the past but to make them part of his present.

And now he wants to seal her – with her smiles and laughter and teasing – into his future.

She reminds him of Neil in some ways, in her energy, her child-like excitement and her kindness – but Todd doesn't want a replacement: he wants _her_, just as they hadn't accepted him because he'd been Neil Perry's friend but because he was himself, Todd Anderson.

Because that had been the gift all along, one of the many _/endless/_ things he loves about her: the capacity to love and accept people as themselves, devoid of pressure. It had been a new experience for him, to be valued for who he was – one that even the Poets and Mr Keating had only begun to teach him.

Todd takes a deep breath and suddenly realises how terrifying this must have been for Knox. Heartfelt declarations are a lot harder than they looked.

He places the envelope on the doorstep, considers waiting and quickly decides that it's best to let the poem speak for itself. It's more romantic this way and – though he fights it – words still have a habit of losing themselves in his throat at important moments.

However as Todd flees down the road, he pauses to look back and catches sight of the delighted smile that dusts her lips and the poem clasped in her hand.

He laughs.

Perhaps some words don't have to be spoken to be said.


	6. Chapter 6: Impact

**Fragments of the Day – Chapter Six **

_Impact _

He gazes down at the upturned faces below him and smiles at their expressions.

/_Why do I stand here? / _

He leaps on desks, fills the classroom with honeyed poetry, directs them to act Shakespeare as if the playwright himself was in the room, weaves stories and songs into every corner of the curriculum like air in a stuffy cage and teaches them the time for caution and the time for daring.

He doesn't ask them to call him Captain. He's not the Captain and never will be – but he's got his own boys now and his own memorial to forge.

And he's got a purpose.

To inspire the boys that he used to be. Make a difference in other's lives. Leave a mark.

Most of all Todd wants his teaching will carry a fraction of the power and permanence his Captain's did.


	7. Chapter 7: Legacies

_Legacies_

Names are important. They define, label, identify. With the thousands of words Todd knows the choice should be infinite and easy.

It's not.

Todd sighs, cradles the weightless bundle in his hands _/were they always so big? / _and gently places his son back in the hospital crib.

He can't believe something so tiny and vulnerable already has such power over him – 'treasure' has never truly been understood before.

He keeps his eyes fixed on the centre of new understanding as he slips into a nearby chair and feels nights of lost sleep rush back to crush him. His hands curl in his pockets on instinct only to encounter a crumbled slip of paper stained with ink and dark lead.

It's the list of names the two of them had been considering for the unborn baby – quickly forgotten in the arrival of the real being but Todd smiles fondly as he scans it.

Todd's father-in-law's name was already claimed by their nephew. Any name from the Anderson family – his father's, Jeffries – Todd discarded automatically. _/No need to burden him that sort of pressure./ _Picking a random name just came across as so...meaningless.

Todd's fingers freeze as they trace the final suggestion scrawled under the bottom line in the elegant handwriting that is definitely not his own . She can't have, she couldn't possibly...

An hour later he grips his laughing wife's hand in silent thanks and the cheap hospital form at the bottom of his son's bed is filled.

_John Neil Anderson. _


	8. Chapter 8: Difference

_Difference _

Todd watches his son struggles over the mounds of paper and numbers, tears of frustration in his eyes and half coherent snarls of anger omitting from his mouth.

John throws his pencil across the room, smashing the wall with a lead-coloured stain and buries his head in his arms. Todd lets out a tired sigh and leans against the doorframe, hands jammed in his pockets – an old habit that dates all the way back to his days at Hellton.

Looking at John now Todd's lost in more memories of his schooling; less pleasant than the warmth of the coarse material clenched in his palm. Years bent over books and papers never to know the answers when the tests came (or never to know _all _the answers anyway). Years of his parents hammering his inadequate grades into his mind: _/Work harder Todd. Five ninety eight remember, that's all you'll ever be worth if you can't improve – five ninety eight/ _How many times had he been asked why he couldn't be more like Jeffrey? Why he couldn't ever be good enough?

Todd forces himself to pull away from that particular pool of regrets lest it retighten its hold on his now unfettered soul. It just wasn't worth it.

He draws his hands from his pockets and takes a few tentative steps to reach the skinny figure: quiet enough to avoid disturbance but just loud enough to announce his presence.

John jerks round, fiercely scrubs at bright red cheeks and gazes up at Todd with glistening eyes. He fears a reaction, an outpouring of shame and disappointment – but Todd just holds out his arms.

As his son presses his damp face against his chest, Todd closes his eyes and holds him tight as years of understanding and empathy course through his body.

Later he will tell John not to worry about the boy who teased him about being 'stupid' at maths, he will sit down and help him through his homework questions, methodically showing him he _can _do it.

But for now, Todd just holds his son and lets him know that not being perfect is still good enough for him.


	9. Chapter 9: Stories

_Stories_

He's wedged between the sharp corned bedside table and the warm form of his daughter. The soft glow of the bunny encrusted lamp illuminates her open expression framed with tousled curls and she gazes at him with such utter awe and absorption that for a moment Todd's stutter returns and his words almost falter.

He knows better than to stop though: his youngest child isn't one to take second best and since she decided that her daddy's stories far surpassed any in books he's been her captive slave every night – forced to weave ever growing and multi layered tales to get her to sleep.

She's never content of course – now she's moved on to nagging him to write the stories down, so as she phrased it: /_You can help all the other children get to sleep with your magic Daddy/ _

It's an appealing idea, perhaps one he will think about later but as Todd kisses her flushed face good night he can't help think that it's the audience more than the creator that holds the enchantment.


	10. Chapter 10: Celebration

_Celebration_

Todd's been to funerals before: buried Neil, his grandparents, uncles, aunts and most recently his parents. They were all sad events; full of grief that pressed against him like a cloying dark cloud.

This funeral is different: No one's in black, figuratively or literally – instead the graveyard is awash with colour and vibrancy. There are tears yes, but also laughter – because after all, what damage can death do to a man who _lived _so powerfully?

Todd surveys the crowd before him, acutely aware that the fact he didn't protest when chosen to do the eulogy is a testament to the man buried below the freshly turned earth beside him.

He lets his hand rest on the grey marble of the gravestone and as he clears his throat to talk his thumb traces the ridges of lettering cut into the rough surface.

_John Keating_

_Captain, teacher, poet, hell raiser and an inspiration to all who knew him_

"_Gather yeh rosebuds while yeh may, for tomorrow we are a dying." _

_He Seized the Day _

Todd opens his mouth and begins to speak.


	11. Chapter 11: Remembering

_Remembering _

It's hard to believe they've changed that much. At times Todd doesn't think they've grown up at all really, life has just moved too fast.

True there are plenty of lines bracketing Knox's laughing eyes and Meek's red mops is slowly being consumed by an army of grey hairs. It's even true that maybe (just maybe) Pitt's has gained weight to his lanky form; but after they do the compulsory 'How-are-you-what's-your-life-been-doing?' spiel Todd feels they could be back at Hellton; sneaking out at night and arguing over Latin or Trig or (here he still winces) Chemistry.

He gazes at them all now, gathering around the campfire as it casts a protective cocoon against the looming darkness. An occasional shadow breaks into the light here and there but the golden shield stays strong and Todd feels rather than see's the warmth of the crackling flames sear his face and hands.

To his right Meeks and Pitt's chuckle over some scientific concept that he knows he will _never _understand – he's still as oblivious to techno jargon now as he was about their so-called 'science project' decades ago.

On the left Knox attempts to shove Nawanda into the fire in response to some comment and Todd can't help but grin as he almost topples in himself. You can depend on some things forever.

They're all here, as promised. Sometimes they've had meetings mere weeks apart, while there were other times months went by with no contact at all. But at least once a year they gather in the woods and drift in a tide of memories, supported by the driftwood of old friendship.

It's ironic really, Todd thinks. That it was the crushing events of Neil's death and Keating's forced resignation that ensured they were bound together for the rest of life. Blood and tears and loss had been woven into the threads of their friendship that to break that apart would have hurt more than any of them would admit.

Todd stands quietly, simultaneously shaking away and falling into images of the past. Silence falls effortlessly as the four faces sober and turn towards him. He places his cup on the pine needled ground and balances the heavy book open, glancing at the italic script they prepare to recite.

_I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately._

_I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life._

_To put to rout all that was not life and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived._

But they don't need to look at the pages to remember the words.


	12. Chapter 12: Verse

_Verse_

He stands in front of the book shop, arms loose by his side: oblivious to the annoyed hisses of passersby's.

It's nice to be like able to do this; pause in your own life and relish the moment rather than simply cataloguing it as part of the routine and rush.

Todd's eyes pierce the glass and trace the small, rectangle object that shines in early morning light. The book sits there for all to see, ready to embark into the world, to be chosen and read and absorbed, and remembered.

Maybe it won't touch hearts or change the world but he – the boy who was never noticed – has made an imprint. Left his verse so to speak.

So Todd can feel the smile build as his gaze sweeps the title and drifts to the words at the bottom of the cover.

_Written by Todd Anderson. _


	13. Chapter 13: Farewell

_Farewells _

He sits on the windblown cliff, between between the ground behind him and the drop below.

Todd thinks that maybe this is how he feels inside as well: dancing the tightrope between the safety of his life while drawing ever closer to the mysterious abyss that is death.

His thin form shudders slightly without his permission and sways towards the waves that lash against the bottom of the cliff – fighting to drag him down. As if to assist them, the wind gives a determined gust and his hobbled back buckles, his wife gripping his sinewy arm tightly to steady him.

Todd straightens and smiles wryly; his jarred bones aren't built for this anymore, already aching in protest at his crossed legs. Its madness to be out in the icy air at this age when the smallest splatter of the waves or puff of wind could turn him into a skewered kebab.

Todd's glances back at his son and daughter who hover at the tree line some ten feet behind him, clearly unsure of what their insane dad was up to now. He smiles again. _/Madness Indeed./ _He allows himself to feast on them for a moment, revel in how precious _his _children are; even bearing harried looks of concern. If he'd done nothing else, raising them was enough to make his life extraordinary. The grandchildren back at home only personify that.

But he had done something else, so as Todd's tired eyes drift to the lined face at his shoulder yet another smile escapes. His wife's eyes shine above wrinkled skin and he can't help but stoop down and kiss her worn cheek, lips hovering for a second too long. _/Even after all these years.../_

Breaths are shallower now but even so Todd deliberately sucks in another gasp of air, ignoring the excruciating shiver it sends through his body.

Seize the Day dammit, right until the end, he's nothing if not stubborn and there's no way he'll die comfortable and imprisoned in some hospital bed – the moment of death doesn't mean you can't feel alive all the same. 

On that thought he looks down at the faded photo clenched in his hand: Six boys and their teacher stare out at him fearlessly. Through the blurry paper he can feel their determination to live out the words scrawled at the bottom of the page radiate towards him: knock him down far more effectively than any wind.

They were all gone now: Pitts, Meeks, Knox and Charlie with their humour and wit, dedication and passion, everything that made the poets _them_ were gone: leaving him behind. Well he'd always been slow to the uptake.

No more. His times up now, he'd had his day and it was longer than most. Time to become food for worms.

As if sensing his thoughts his son and daughter are there: clustering against him and his wife squeezes his hand in a silent farewell.

Then Todd raises his face to the sky and smiles one last time, tracing the words.

_Carpe Diem. _


	14. Chapter 14: New

**Final chapter is up! I know it seemed like the story was finished but I couldn't resist adding this last scene in, hope you enjoy!**

**X-X**

_New _

It's instantaneous: no dramatic bang or whirling sensation. One moment he's freezing on the cliff top, held by his family and the next everything collapses into white and warmth and peace.

There's a strange glinting mass spread out ahead of him. Todd blinks a lake...?

"Well you took your time."

The familiar, teasing voice from the air causes him to jerk around.

Suddenly without warning he finds himself staring at Neil's grinning face. The poet looks the same as he did on the night of that play: young, energetic and full of excitement.

For a moment Todd feels awkward, appearing to his former companion as an old man. A second later he realises that he too is as young as he was in their shared imprisonment at Hellton – but in body and spirit this time. As such he replies even more easily than he did then.

"All these years and you're still the one moaning at me?"

Neil laughs but a faint shadow of pain flashes through his eyes and whether through instinct or some benevolent insight this place gives Todd knows what he's going to say.

"Forget it." He says, cutting Neil off. "It's not important anymore."

"But I just want to say I'm sor –"

"_No." _He states empathetically.

"But –"

"No."

Neil blinks at him and Todd realises that what he said was true: it's not important anymore –the anger, the guilt, the pain...it's all gone. Maybe Neil should have waited, shouldn't have give up so easily but it's over. That day has finished.

Neil sighs and slings a warm arm around Todd's shoulder. "Well I was right anyway." He says insistently.

"What?"

"I told you remember: that you could do anything, nothing was impossible...I'm glad that – even if I didn't – you managed to prove that was true."

Todd looks at Neil's eyes and loses himself in the tirade of emotions there: for a moment the symmetry of admiration and love and friendship and peace is so perfect that he thinks that it isn't _Neil's _soul he's looking into but a reflection of his own.

Like he had minutes before Todd breaks into a smile – but this time Neil smiles with him.

A new day dawns.

**X-X**

**Ta da! I know this chapter was a bit random, the 'after life' and everything but I didn't feel I could leave the story without Neil appearing and Todd **_**finally **_**seeing the person he'd lived so hard for. I hope it didn't come across as slash because it wasn't meant to be slash but it was the closest to a Dead Poets happy ending as I could get!**


End file.
